Dear Princess Celestia, I wrote you but you still ain't replyin'
I left my cell, my email, and my work phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not've got 'em
There probably was a problem with the dragon or something
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em
But anyways; f*ck it, what's been up? Princess, how's your Sister?
My partners girlfriend's pregnant, too, I'm bout to be a god-mother
If I have a daughter, guess what I'mma call her?
I'mma name her Frosty
I read about Blueblood, too, I'm sorry
I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest employee
I even got the underground operations that you did with Shadow Bolts, ma'am
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures, ma'am
I like the sh*t you did that one night, too, that sh*t with the bats
Anyways, I hope you get this, Princess, hit me back
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest worker
This is Ranger Cally Ber
Dear Princess Celestia, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's f*ckED UP you don't answer emails, ma'am
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your meeting
You didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Darren
That's my partner, Princess, he's only twenty-four years old
We waited in the blistering cold like dorks
For four hours and you just said, "Go to work"
That's pretty sh*tty ma'am- you're like his f*cking idol
He wants to work for you ma'am, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to
Remember when we met in Las Pegasus - you said if I'd write you
You would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my agents neither
They used to always cheat and brutalize
I can relate to what you're saying in your speeches
So when I have a sh*tty day, I drift away and beat my sister
'Cause I don't really got sh*t else so that sh*t helps when I get sadder
I even got a patch of your name across the flak vest
Sometimes I even play Russian Roulette to see if I can win
It's like adrenaline, the pull is such a sudden rush right then
See everything you say is real, and I respect you like kin
My partner's jealous 'cause I talk about you 24/7
But he don't know you like I know you Princess, no one does
He don't know what it was like for ponies like us in federal work
You gotta call me, ma'am, I'll be the biggest Ranger you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Cally Ber
P.S.
We should work together, too
Dear Princess I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Ranger,
This'll be the last letter I ever send your flank
It's been six months and still no word. I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I saw the dragon fire them perfect
So this is my blu-ray I'm sending you, I hope you watch it
I'm in the APC right now, I'm doing 90 on the road
Hey Princess, I drank a fifth of whisky, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Horse Collins "In the Air Tonight"
About that stallion who coulda saved that other pony from drowning
But didn't, then Horse saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late. I'm on a night operation now, I'm drowsy
And all I wanted was a lousy promotion or a call
I hope you know I ripped all of your certificates off the wall
I loved you, Princess, we coulda worked together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't work and you talk about it
And when you talk I hope you can't work and you have safety meetings about it
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't hire others without me
See, Princess,—shut up dude! I'm trying to talk!
Hey, Princess, that's Darren screaming in the trunk,
But I didn't fire him, I just suspended him. See, I ain't like you
'Cause if he can't work he'll suffer more, and then he'll resign, too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh sh*t, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this sh*t out?
Dear Ranger Cally Ber, I meant to write you sooner but I've just been busy
You said your partners girlfriend's pregnant now, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that
And here's an autograph for Darren
I wrote it on the Starter cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the ceremony, I musta missed you
Don't think I did that intentionally just to not promote you
But what's this sh*t you said about you like to play Russian Roulette, too?
I said Russian soufflé, Ranger
C'mon! How deaf is you?
You got some issues, Ranger, I think you need some vacation
To help you from bouncing off the walls when you miss a ceremony
And what's this sh*t about us working together?
That type of sh*t'll make me put you in the dungeon with the others
I really think you and your Darren need each other
Or maybe you just need to utilize HRRT better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before some records you, I think that you'll be doing just fine
If you go to the range a little, I'm glad I inspire you but, Cally
Why are you so edgy? Try to understand, that I do want you as a Ranger
I just don't want you to do some crazy illegal sh*t
I seen this one on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some Ranger was drunk and drove her APC over a bridge
And had his partner in the back, and his promotion was on the hinge
And in the car they found a blu-ray, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about it, her name was... it was you
haha dumb bitch
